10 Ways to Practice Self-Love
“How you love ourself is how you teach others to love you.”
-Rupi Kaur
According to the Brain and Behavior Research Foundation, self-love is “a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support your physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve.”
Self-love is an idea that’s bandied about a lot these days. It shows up in so many shallow, unfortunate, and wrong ways. In advertising, entitlement, selfishness, excuses…none of these things are true, deep, or meaningful self-love.
Self-love is also one of those things that’s super-duper hard to do when you haven’t done it before. Learning to love yourself can be one of the toughest things to figure out.
“Decide that you are enough and watch what happens.”
-Elyse Santilli
As a recovering people-pleasing peacemaker, I used to choose everyone and everything ahead of myself like it was my job. I wanted people to be happy and so I would say ‘yes’ when I wanted to say ‘no.’ I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers and so when asked if I was okay I would always say I was fine. Everything’s great…even if it obviously wasn’t
Not only did I struggle with people-pleasing, I also felt unworthy of feeling good, saying no, speaking up, being successful, or taking up space…basically, I just wanted to fly under the radar of life unnoticed, not be a burden, and make sure everyone around me was happy and pleased with me.
As I’m sure you can guess, this is no way to live a life. Not one that lights you up and brings you joy anyway. Deep down I wanted so much more, but couldn’t get my worthiness to cooperate. I didn’t love myself enough to poke my head up and be seen. To choose myself even just once.
The resentment and anger started to grow. I didn’t want to be the one always smoothing things over – of taking one for the team. I was tired of being ‘fine’ when shit was far from fine.
I wanted to live a life that I’d chosen – one that was intentional and full of purpose. That tiny spark of wanting more never died out and eventually started to grow bigger and stronger until I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
I dove head first into personal development. I read books and blog posts. I listened to podcasts. I did a complete overhaul of who I followed on social media. I got a life coach. Every day I put into practice the things I had learned.
I started thinking differently, which led to feeling differently, which led to being differently, which led to things actually changing in my life.
Once I had a taste of what life could actually be like, I knew I would never stop learning and practicing. I would never abandon myself again.
Every day we’re choosing. As I started to choose myself in small ways, it eventually got easier to choose myself in bigger ways. And holy crap! It felt SO GOOD to finally choose myself for once.
Even now, years later, there are times when I have to talk myself through patching up leaky boundaries and saying ‘no.’ To remind myself of my worthiness even when I’m not feeling it. Self-love is a process that’s never truly complete; it’s a never-ending journey that I’ll be on till the day I die. And I’m totally okay with that because it’s TOTALLY worth it.
So, how can you get started on this path to kindness, acceptance, and compassion toward yourself?
Here are 10 ways to practice self-love that have helped me push through my bogus stories and limiting beliefs. I hope they can be of some benefit to you, too.
- Be realistic. No one on this earth is happy or perfect every moment of every day. Allow yourself to be human.
- Get in touch with your inner gremlin (dialogue). Pay attention to the things you say to and about yourself. Would you say them to a friend? To a family member or a child? If not, you sure as hell shouldn’t be saying them to yourself.
- Let go of the stories you’ve told yourself for so long. Do what you have to do to move through, heal, and release your past wounds and traumas. This can be a tough one – find support if you need it.
- Give up the need for approval from others. You’ll never be able to make everyone happy, but you sure can make yourself miserable trying.
- Be patient. Learning to love yourself is a lifelong process – it won’t magically happen after listening to one podcast or reading one book. Be persistent and keep showing up for yourself.
- Know you’re worthy. There will absolutely be days (weeks?) when you don’t love your body, are disappointed with a choice you made, or are just generally feeling meh. Understand that you’re still worthy, even when you don’t feel like it.
- Step outside your comfort zone. The feeling of accomplishment you get from pulling off something that scared the crap out of you is one in a million.
- Give your social media feed a makeover. Start following people and accounts that inspire you to be the kind of person you want to be and unfollow anything that makes you feel unworthy, less than, or like you don’t measure up.
- Quit it already with the comparisonitis. Stay in your lane, love. The only person you need to be comparing yourself to is you. Understand that no one else can bring your unique medicine to the world in the beautiful way you can.
- Surround yourself with people who lift you (and themselves) up. Make sure you’re spending time with folks whose values are similar to yours. It’s easy to get sucked into the self-loathing vortex when you’re hanging out with people who talk negatively about themselves or others.
BONUS - Actually (really for reals) care for yourself. Nourish your mind, body, and spirit in ways that demonstrate how much you love and appreciate yourself. Drink plenty of water, get enough sleep. Stick to your boundaries and move your body. Spend time in nature. Read a book. Listen to your body and your heart and your intuition. Like, really listen. And then lovingly respond.
You can do this! And if you need me, I’ll just be over here cheering you on.
